U got Jokes:

The Sensitive Man A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.  There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly ted dy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, shebfinds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off  each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.  After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over,  gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...........................................   "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

A TRUE PLAYA One evening, Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play Cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floorand bent down to pick it up. When he Looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw? Mike said, Yes, I did! Terry's wife said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500. So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay. She said Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work. Mike said I'll see you then. The next day Mike went over, they had sex, he paid her, and then he left. Later Terry came home and asked "Has Mike been over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she said, "As a matter of fact, he did. Terry said Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."    NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYA!!!!

Profanity A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He aid "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?!"

A newlywed farmer A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year."

Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on in Carmathen, Six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Getting old "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."

Folks do some crazy stuff at chruch, I was sittin there and the man next 2 me started smokin his Blunt, I was so shocked I dropped my BEER!

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Texas Police Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "What the heck was that for?" The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too. The passenger says, "What did you do that for?" The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that MotherFu&$%ing jerk would've tried that Bull S*%T with me.'"